Known Johnson

February 6, 2006

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t

Filed under: General — Tom @ 11:24 am

On my daily travels across town, I see a lot of humorous things on the road. Really, it’s the only thing that keeps me sane – having something to laugh at prevents the urge from driving with firearms perched on the sill of my window.

I’m always amused at the tendency of people to name their cars, usually with some completely meaningless phrase like “Delicious Pain,” “Twisted Fantasy,” or “Incendiary Anamoly”*, a trend that I’ve been seeing less and less of lately. The new trend is putting some sort of dedication to a deceased loved one on your car, usually the rear window. “In loving memory” with a name and the birth and death date. I’m really confused by this because usually when you dedicate something to someone, it’s because it was created in their honor, something you slaved over, possibly inspired by them. I fail to see how dedicating your dirty, rusty, dented 1996 Chevy Cavalier to the deceased really means much, unless, perhaps, that car was actually constructed by workers at the GM facility down in Mexico specifically for you with, say, a little shrine to the deceased travelling along the assembly line with the car. I can just see it now – before the workers get to assembling your mint-green Cavalier, they hold hands and say a little prayer. “Let’s keep Dean in our hearts while we throw this thing together, people,” I assume in Spanish, of course. (I won’t make an attempt at that, since I only know a tiny bit of Spanish – I can’t make a good sentence out of “fuego,” “tortilla,” “muchacho,” much less fit them into the two Spanish phrases I know (ironically, “Se hablamos Espanol,” and one other not fit to reproduce in a family blog like this.))

But my favorite, my most favoritest of all, is the emergence of something that has been so needed in the automotive world, something that every car and, especially, truck owner has really been waiting for. I probably don’t even need to really point it out, because I know it’s exactly what popped into your head immediately when I started in on this. That’s right – fake testicles for your car! Who hasn’t seen a new car and said, “You know, it’s nice and all, but it really could use a realistic scrotum hanging from the bumper. That would really top it off.”

It's balls

And best of all, you have your choice of a large variety of colors to choose from. If you’re feeling that your vehicle is especially manly, you’re free to choose the brass balls. Now that’s class.

I think the question this spawns is obvious: are there also breasts and/or vaginas for cars? I’m afraid to search for that . . .

*In light of the James Frey debacle, I must admit that these realistically depict reality but are not necessarily real window phrases that I have seen.



  1. Add to that list the road-side shrines and piles of crap where people have died and you will have covered just about all my vehicle related pet-peaves.

    If we have to put a cross where everyone dies, then how come hospitals are not full of little white crosses clogging up all the beds? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what cemetaries are for?

    Comment by Lisa — February 6, 2006 @ 2:10 pm | Reply

  2. I can see it now – Amanda is older and goes, “Daddy, what’s hanging on that truck?” And you’ll say to yourself, “Do I really want to go there with my daughter…?” and then you’ll take her to an ice cream joint trying to get her to forget about her original question.

    And I agree with Lisa. It’s ridiculous.

    Comment by Bekah — February 8, 2006 @ 11:21 am | Reply

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