Known Johnson

November 26, 2007

Pepto Abysmal

Filed under: General — Tom @ 2:23 pm

It’s here – the all new and improved stomach flu. If you had last year’s version you’ll want to upgrade. I got my copy sometime this weekend, a sneaky little gift from – I assume – Amanda, who had it last week. What was most fun was that I woke up this morning feeling extra tired and groggy, laid there in bed an extra long time, but otherwise just thought it was a normal Monday. In other words, I didn’t want to go to work.

I dragged my ass out of bed and grudgingly got ready for work. It was when I was putting my lunch together that something seemed wrong. For starters, everything I looked at just looked gross. Apple, granola bar, leftover pizza . . . bleh. And then there was the fact that I wasn’t even remotely hungry. This should have been very strange, seeing as I didn’t even eat dinner last night.

See, I was feeling strange yesterday too, but I attributed it to simply overstressing myself, as I tend to do – the holidays and such often bear heavily on me for no legitimate reason, and I just figured it was happening early. The fact that my entire day’s eating consisted solely of a bagel and some crap from McDonald’s and yet I was never very hungry in the past 24 hours should really have set off an alarm bell. But I ignored it and set off for work.

Once I got there, it was obvious within 45 minutes that something was amiss. And then it was obvious again about a half hour later. And then I got the message. I wrote my manager, who wasn’t in yet, an email, packed up my stuff, and fled for home. Since then it’s been exactly the kind of fun you can imagine comes with stomach flu. I think I may have a slight upper hand in that I didn’t eat much of anything yesterday, but, even with the pain of this awful little bug comes a little gnawing hunger. That doesn’t even make any sense. Body, don’t you know that it’s not going to be in there long?

I can understand the existence of just about every creature on earth . . . except diseases. It’s one thing if bacteria help in the decay process of dead plants and animals, but it’s another for disease to get into a body, wreak havoc for a few days, and then it dies. It serves absolutely no purpose in the big scheme of things. Therefore, I declare that it should just go away altogether.

Gastroenteritis? More like gastroEXITitis.



  1. Oh man…My wife had this last week (Happy Thanksgiving!), and it was bad…really bad. The cramping was the worst…I’ve never seen her in so much pain. After a couple hours of her writhing in pain in between hurling sessions, I called the doctor. He was busy, and the receptionist said he’d call back. An hour later, no call, so I called again. Same answer, same result. On the third call to the doctor, he told us to just go to the emergency room since he wouldn’t be able to see us that day.

    Now, I normally don’t like to go to the E.R. unless I’m missing a limb or something equally serious is wrong, but given that the doctor told us to go there, I didn’t feel so bad. And man, am I glad we did. They hooked her up to some I.V.s, gave her some pain and anti-nausea medicine, and she felt human again. Her stomach no longer felt like it was trying to exit her body. Guh…that was a horrible day.

    Anyway…here’s to hoping your’s is a relatively mild case.

    Comment by Uncle Midriff — November 26, 2007 @ 4:54 pm | Reply

  2. Your body wants to have something in the belly to actually throw up. It knows that dry heaving is more painful than regular vomiting.

    Comment by bekah — November 26, 2007 @ 8:27 pm | Reply

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