Known Johnson

August 7, 2008

I dub thee Wet Wiper

Filed under: Annoyances,Curiosities — Tom @ 3:33 pm

This is one of those posts that goes into slightly dangerous territory. I promise to keep it as safe as possible.

Imagine the scene: walk into the restroom and there, on the ground, at the edge of the stall, is a package of no-name wet-wipes. And that’s a little weird. As soon as I enter, a hand reaches down and grabs the package away – they’re clearly the dude-in-the-stall’s wipes. Okay. That’s a little weird. And he proceeds to use them. That’s a little weird. Don’t paint me as some behind-the-times guy. I get it, some people’s . . . areas . . . are more sensitive and need pampering. I’ve seen the commercials with the creepy crapping Charmin cartoon bears*. They don’t like rough toilet paper, and neither does this guy. It’s still weird. He still has to carry this big, fat block of wet wipes back to his cube. I ran scenarios through my head of running into people on his way. I couldn’t come up with any that weren’t humiliating for Wet Wiper. There’s just no not-weird way to explain carrying around a package of those in your office building.

Strange inefficiency on his part: he left the stall and washed his hands. “Dude,” I thought, “You’ve got wet-wipes right there. You don’t even need to wash ’em.” But I applaud his washing efforts nonetheless. In world where many don’t bother, it’s nice that he doubles the effort.

*Have you seen the latest one where they extol the non-shredding virtues of Charmin, and illustrate this by showing a bear with little wads of toilet paper stuck all over his big fat butt? It’s kind of the world’s view of America all rolled into one tiny 30-second commercial. All of our issues are right there in this commercial – we have no class, we have no boundaries, and we have no ethics. I know we can argue those points, but it’s impossible when we’re sending things like that out across the world and, frighteningly, out into space where, someday, who knows when, intelligent life may intercept those commercials and make judgments about us. What would you think you’d encountered if you found a species of life form that broadcast things like this to the universe?

Crappin’ bears!


  1. I can’t remember who I heard it from, but it reminds me of some advice I heard about those that had to have a colonoscopy or something. I’m pretty sure they also said to use Vaseline “down there” afterwards – even if it didn’t hurt yet – because it WILL HURT eventually as you get over the procedure, and you want that protection from the get-go.

    SO, my point is, imagine how AWKWARD it would have been if he was going to and from the bathroom with a pack of Wet Wipes AS WELL AS a little jar of Vaseline.

    Comment by Lisa — August 7, 2008 @ 9:15 pm | Reply

  2. Reason #867 why men need purses.

    Comment by Tom — August 7, 2008 @ 9:51 pm | Reply

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