Known Johnson

February 11, 2009

Wake up laughing

Filed under: Weird — Tom @ 10:52 am

I woke up laughing last night. In the middle of the night, I dreamt something funny and it made me laugh, and I woke up laughing. I laughed the kind of laugh that you do when you’re not supposed to anything out loud, so as not to wake up Alissa. It came out my nose more than anything, a stuttering sneeze-like sound, so I stuffed my face in my pillow to muffled the sound, where I laughed some more. And then I thought of what made me laugh again, and I laughed more. For a few minutes, I couldn’t help but burst into periodic fits of strained, near-silent laughter, thinking of what woke me up laughing: the non-word “quuck.”

January 16, 2009

The inbred toenail is no more

Filed under: Annoyances,Weird — Tom @ 12:20 pm

You may recall an incident late last spring when I dropped a big ol’ box on my toe, effectively crushing it. It was annoying, but it healed. Unfortunately, however, like the proverbial stone in water, there are consequences that ripple off one event in unforeseen ways . . . such as a damned ingrown toenail. Now, I admit, it didn’t look all that bad to the untrained eye, but as soon as my foot doctor saw it a couple months back, she said, “That’s going to have to come off, kiddo.” And my stomach sank. I know what the North Vietnamese did to their prisoners. I heard about sticking bamboo shoots under finger nails, and I know how much it hurts to merely pull the nail away from the bed just a bit. No thank you. So I held off hoping it would just magically heal. And then the nail broke, revealing a disgusting, bloody little hole right where my nail was digging in. But then it kind of healed back, but was sore . . . I dealt with it. Until it broke again, and then I had to admit that something was really not right. I gave in and agreed to have it taken care of.

Here’s one thing I have learned: when you have something wrong, don’t look it up. Don’t Google it and then read responses on message boards from people who claim they’ve experienced the same thing, or have friends, aunts, or know the dogs of people who have had whatever you’re looking up done. It will serve you not at all to know what these people want to say. You know when you ask someone about something possibly negative, and they go, “Oh yeah, my dad had that!” and proceed to tell you some horror story about it? It’s ten times worse on the internet. They want you to suffer and worry and possibly cancel it until it’s really, really bad. Because that’s what they did. See, something else I learned is that most people wait a really long time to do health-related things and then it’s too late for the simple, easy procedure and they get to experience the really painful, awful, disgusting things, and sometimes they wait so long that it has to be done twice. Infections and whatnot, you know. But I’m digressing.

I went to my foot doctor yesterday with visions of infested toes and mangled nails, blood-oozing sores, all set to horrific stories of pain and drawn-out affliction, infection, and other forms of grossness. And it was all for naught. Here’s what happened: I read about this, and didn’t really get it, because I thought people were saying something in a clever way. She froze my toe. And I mean literally froze my toe. It was some kind of extremely cold liquid that she poured onto my toe, numbing it. And it was cold – painfully cold, until it went numb. And then she went in with the needle to numb it. I didn’t feel the first shot at all. Cool. The second one, she repeatedly told me to breathe deep, really deep, and I just wasn’t feeling it . . . until I did, and THEN I breathed REALLY deep. That, dear Readers, was the most pain I would feel the entire time. I heard lots of snipping and cracking – big toenails are kind of grossly thick, you know – and within about 5 minutes, it was done. I was bandaged up and ready to go.

Wrapped up from ingrown-toenail removal surgery

Since I obviously couldn’t wear a regular shoe with that, I was given this stylin’ foam shoe.

The smiley-face on the shoe really helps with the healing process

The smiley face is strategically placed over the big-toe area to induce quicker healing, or so I hear.

If you are brave, jump on over to the next page for . . . toe revealed!


November 24, 2008


Filed under: Tech/geek,Weird — Tom @ 1:47 pm

It’s test time . . . see what the abuses of your youth, or even present age, have taken on your hearing. This completely unscientific test will give you an idea of what of the upper range of frequencies in your hearing are gone for good due to ridiculously loud volumes at concerts, night clubs, headphones, etc. Warning: be very careful with the volume as these tones are piercing, to say the least. Don’t lose your hearing while testing it, okay?

Fessin’ up: my left ear could clearly hear up to 17kHz while my right ear could only make out 16kHz. Not bad for nearly 36 years old, according to the chart. Wearing earplugs at concerts and listening to music at decent volumes has paid off, apparently.

October 17, 2008

My God, it’s full of steak

Filed under: Weird — Tom @ 11:34 am

Spacewalking astronauts report smelling the distinct odor of steak upon returning to the airlock.

Space and meat, this just goes hand in hand, doesn’t it? Wait, doesn’t it? Somehow, it does in my world. Now we know what the hell was going on in Atari’s Asteroids – those weren’t “asteroids” afterall, they were meatballs. Space meatballs.

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